


Thing Could Be Better (hbu?)

by mttraspberrypie



Series: Tales of a Sweet Spider-Son and His Embarrassing Irondad [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Depression, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, it’s sad okay, self harm isn’t graphic it’s an attempt that doesn’t work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:08:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mttraspberrypie/pseuds/mttraspberrypie
Summary: Peter’s tired of it all. It’s just all a bit much for now.READ THE TAGS
Relationships: Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Tales of a Sweet Spider-Son and His Embarrassing Irondad [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1400536
Comments: 4
Kudos: 127





	Thing Could Be Better (hbu?)

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags

Sometimes Peter feels so overwhelmed that he’s exhausted. 

It’s not just one thing, which most people seem to think it is. It’s every thing. Everything, every thing. That’s what it is. 

Every single little thing.

Sometimes Peter wonders if he’s empty or full. He gets so filled with emotions sometimes- it's frustrating. So many different feelings in him, begging to be let out- but how?

He looks it up. The internet says to ask for help.

That’s already a no. He’s not going to overwhelm someone else. And even then- he doesn’t WANT help. Or at least not the type of help they’re peddling. He doesn’t want to have to sit down and talk about his feelings to anyone, stranger or friend. He wants to be normal. Someone who doesn’t have to do that sort of thing to feel okay.

He knows he’ll never be normal, though.

The glow of his laptop, provided to him by Mr. Stark, stands out in his pitch black room. It’s past midnight- he looks at the little clock at the bottom of his screen.

Three A.M, to be exact.

There are more lighthearted suggestions too, than just “get help.”

For example, he can get a hobby. He already has one, and funnily enough, it does help him. When he’s swinging in between buildings, his face covered by his mask, acting confident, it's better. It’s all better. He’s not Peter Parker. He’s someone else, someone who would never be looking this sort of thing up at three in the morning.

Peter is tethered. Spidey isn’t- Spidey is anything but, swinging in the air. 

Spidey is an escape, almost. It’s like acting- put on this costume and you’re now someone else. Peter slips on the mask, and he slips into a role. Play the part to a T.

Is he even real?

Probably not. 

Sometimes Peter thinks about The End. The thing that makes him need to lie down, cry, scream, shrug, whatever.

Peter could easily do it. He could easily end it all. He’s done his research.

But he can’t.

It’s not out of an urge to continue, but rather out of an urge to be. He can't not be, can he?

And yet he doesn’t want to. He wants to be nothing, with nothing to think or feel or worry about. 

Sometimes when Peter goes out- to the store, to the movies, even just down the street, he gets panicky. Alone, or with people, he feels something urgent.

An urgent feeling telling him to leave, to go home, to lock everyone away and just not talk to anyone. 

He doesn’t know why. 

Of course, there are all those online assessments- am i depressed? Anxious? Tired?

No, Peter thinks, he isn’t. You’re a quiz, not a doctor.

Distractions are good.

Until they aren’t.

Game night with May is good. They play Uno, Monopoly, Sorry. It’s sort of boring with two people- his fault- but it's still fun.

Until it isn’t, until Peter gets panicky and wants to sequester himself in his room.

He’s cancelled game night more often now.

“What’s wrong?” May will ask, “Do you feel okay? Are you upset?”

Peter doesn’t know.

Lab days with Mr. Stark are fun. 

Seeing Dum-E and U is always a treat. Making new things, upgrading his suit, listening to their specially made lab day playlist on loop, eating pizza, eventually watching something on Netflix.

Until Peter feels all panicky and he wants to bury himself in the ground where no one can see or talk to him.

Mr. Stark will always look concerned when Peter cancels for next week, or asks if he can leave early. He’ll try to joke about it.

“What’s wrong, Underoos? Is our playlist really that bad?” 

And then the jokes’ll turn into a plain and simple

“What’s wrong?”

He doesn’t know. Stop asking.

Hanging out with Ned and MJ is fun. They go see movies, walk around Queens, text each other in their group chat.

MJ with her trademark sarcasm, Ned fanboying. It’s great.

Until- guess what- it isn’t, and Peter feels all panicky, and he makes excuses.

“Sorry guys, I can’t go. I need to help May with something.”

“I don’t think I can make it. Mr. Stark wants me to do this thing in the lab, and it’d be really sucky if I cancelled on him last minute.”

“I can’t go.”

Peter doesn’t want the happy ending there always is in books and movies. The part where he bursts into tears to a specific person- friend, family, whatever- and they hug and comfort him and, “It’s going to be alright. We’ll get you the help you need, you’re not broken.”

Flash forward to a couple of months, and hooray! They’re much better. Not great, not perfect, but they’re doing okay- one day at a time.

Sometimes Peter wants to hurt himself. Not in a major way. In a small one.

He sharpens one of the caps of his pens. Scratches it against his skin. Nothing happens. No blood, no nothing.

He knew nothing would happen. That’s why he used a pen cap. He’s a coward.

School actually helps. It’s so routine- these are your periods, go to them, and listen and take notes.

He feels like a little robot.

Peter isn’t depressed, probably. And if he is, he’s mad. Can’t he just be normal? He’s tired of this teen angst, this pathetic excuse for something. Just say you have issues and go, peter. Go work them out, he tells himself.

Be an adult, pull up your pants. Stop whining, and fix whatever broke.

Peter wishes he could throw out whatever broke and buy a new one. Why cant there be easy fixes like that anymore?

His phone lights up.

There’s a text from Mr. Stark. 

Mr Stark: Hey kid.  
Mr Stark: How are you?

Peter almost wonders why Mr. Stark is texting him at three in the morning, but then re,beers who he’s talking to.

Peter: pretty good.  
Peter: u?

Hopefully Mr. Stark isn’t mad at him for flaking out since forever. It’s been nearly a month since he had a lab day- he canceled them all, of course. He still talks to Mr. Stark on the phone, answers his texts- but it's not the same.

It hasn’t been the same for a while, though.

Mr Stark: Disappointed. That was a trick question!!  
Mr Stark: Why are you up, Underoos? You should be asleep.

Peter puts down his phone for a second. Lays it on his chest.

It’s never against anyone when he cancels. He loves his friends and family. 

It’s just impossible right now. 

Peter: touché old man

In his groupchat with Ned and MJ- the name constantly changes, and as of now its just a row of three burrito emojis- a ping sounds.

Ned: im just like. SO tired of hearing about our finals its stressing me out

MJ: :)

Mr. Stark’s taking his time to respond, the three-dot thing popping up and going away. 

Peter’s about to reply in the groupchat by the time he answers- last resort! Then they’ll want to make plans and Peter’ll feel like a jerk for cancelling.

Mr Stark: Want to meet up tomorrow?  
Mr Stark: Cleared it with your aunt- nothing at the lab, just thought we could go see one of those Star Wars movies you like so much. Heard they’re doing a marathon at one of your local theaters.

Oh. My. God.

Mr. Stark really went through all the lengths to make this happen.

May had already been getting worried that he wasn’t going to the compound as often- something he used to look forward to so badly.

There’s also the fact that Mr. Stark made sure it wasn’t lab-related- maybe he think Peter isn’t into science-y stuff anymore, which is super far from the truth. 

Peter’s just tired of every thing.

Mr. Stark really schemed to get this done. Peter’s a little impressed, to be honest.

And it is nice. Now there’s just the problem of the dreaded convo he’ll have with Mr Stark.

Is everything alright, etc.

Peter wants to say no. He wants to say no to the world, no thank you, and hide.

But May would find him if he did, confront him- “The world’s waiting, Peter! Get out there!”

Peter: sounds good mr stark

***

They agree to meet at a local Starbucks-esque coffee shop. It’s near Peter’s apartment, so it's convienent.

By the time Peter gets there, Tony’s already seated at a table, sipping black coffee- with no sugar, ew- and tapping away on his phone.

Peter’s tempted to just walk away- Tony hasn’t seen him yet, he doesn’t have to do this, he can make something up.

And then he remembers the way May lit up when he got ready to leave this morning, how happy she seemed.

This, and a combination of Tony spotting him, grinning, and waving him over is why Peter forces himself to walk over to the table and sit down.

“Hey, Mr. Stark,” Peter says, forcing a smile.

Tony grins- and yet Peter can detect worry in his eyes, a look he’s all too accustomed to getting from people now.

“Hey kid. Long time no see. How’ve you been?”

Peter shrugs. “Uh, good. Pretty busy with school and stuff.”

“Tell me all about that in a minute- what kind of pastry do you want? Danish? Croissant? A cookie?” Tony asks, getting up to go to the counter where you place your order.

“Oh. I really don’t, uh, need anything Mr. Stark. Thanks though.” Peter says. The last thing he’s going to do is make Tony feel obligated to buy him food.

“Yeah, no. Your metabolism is super- pun slightly intended- and i know if you don’t eat you’ll be ready to faint in an hour. So, cookie?” Tony says in his no-nonsense tone- the tone Peter knows means there’s no room for argument, whether he likes it or not.

“A cookie’s fine.”

When Tony gets back, Peter’s devised a plan- he really does want to hang out with Mr. Stark, he’s missed his mentor-slash-father-figure, but he just can't. He can’t with anyone.

The plan is to sit down and eat, and then, right as they’re about to leave for the movie, pretend that… well, pretend that something is going on that warrants him leaving and cancelling their plans immediately.

“Here. Got you one of those Frappuccinos i know you Gen Zs like- no caffeine, by the way, because we both know what you’re like on caffeine.” Tony places a frosted cookie in the shape of a leaf in front of him, and a large chocolate Frappuccino.

Peter wants to cry.

Is Peter an awful person? Couldn’t he just sit through the movie like a normal person? Not be selfish for once?

Yes, that's what he’ll do- he’ll watch movies he genuinely likes, and he’ll make Tony happy- all he wants is for everyone to be happy, in the end.

“Thanks,” Peter mumbles as he takes a sip of the frap. It’s cold.

“So tell me about school, which you’ve been so busy with.” Tony waggles his eyebrows, and Peter feels even worse. Has he really been avoiding everyone that much?

“It’s alright. Finals are coming up, so everyone’s sort of stressing.” Peter responds, picking apart the cookie with his fingers. His stomach is in knots- the bad kind.

“Yeah? Have you been?” Tony asks- his tone is filled with something, like he’s trying to get the scoop on Peter. Peter immediately feels his defenses coming in.

“I mean, yeah. Everyone has been. It’s not an easy time, you know? Kinda determines our futures and all.” Peter snaps, and immediately feels bad for it.

Tony looks a little surprised, but overall stays calm.

“I know that, kid. I just haven’t seen you in a while, so I was curious on what was keeping you away, is all.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Peter mumbles. It isn’t really an answer. Like, at all. What is he doing?

“So school’s been keeping you away?” Tony asks, as if to confirm.

“Sure.” Peter takes a bite of his cookie.

“Sure?” Tony looks dubious.

Peter immediately gets defensive. Didn’t he just say sure? Why does there always have to be a double meaning to his words? Why do people just assume there is?

“Yes, sure! I have a life, even if you guys don’t think I do. I have school, which YOU want me to still go to, and I have patrol and I have friends and homework and-“

“Well, from what your aunt told me, you haven’t really been doing much with those friends. Or homework, even. Actually, she even told me you haven’t been talking to her at all either. Your grades are slipping, you won’t talk to any of us, so I’d suggest you stop beating around the bush and tell me why.” Tony snaps, and Peter feels like a dam inside of him is about to break, tears welling up in his eyes.

Is this his movie moment?

A silence ensues. Peter stares at the table like his life depends on it. He can feel Tony staring at him.

This sucks.

Finally, Tony sighs.

“Kid, what’s going on?”

His tone is softer, not nearly as frustrated as before.

“Stuff.” Peter mutters.

“Okay, that’s fine,” Tony nods, “We’ve all got stuff. What kind of stuff?”

“I don’t know.” Peter’s throat feels dry. He feels tired.

“That’s fine too. You don’t have to know.” Tony reassures him, and Peter just feels caged. This is some sort of trap, but he’s too tired to care. Let them all find out, let them give him those stupid movie lines. He’s too tired right now.

And yet, a final attempt. An attempt at portraying normalcy- he’ll do it. He’ll bring his grades back up, he’ll talk to his friends, have game nights and dinners with May, lab days with Mr. Stark. He’ll do it to avoid conversations like this forever- ones that make him feel so uncomfortable and tired and small.

“I guess it's just school stuff, Mr. Stark. I really am stressed about finals. I want to go to a good college, and…”

Peter can’t even finish his sentence. They both know what crap that is.

He locks eyes with Tony.

He sighs.

“I guess I could be better.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Told you I’d be back, though! Hopefully you enjoyed this. Could this be considered a whump? Leave comments an requests for what you want me to do next :)


End file.
